Reaching the Heart of Your Child – Ginger Hubbard

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Based on Ginger Hubbard’s best-selling book, Don’t Make Me Count to Three! There is far more to parenting than getting children to “act” right. We have to get them to “think” right and to be motivated out of a love of virtue rather than a fear of punishment. Ginger equips parents to reach past the outward behavior of their children and address the issues of the heart. Move beyond the frustrations of not knowing how to handle issues of disobedience and into a confident approach to raising your children.

Automated Transcript (Spelling and grammar errors are guaranteed!)

Yvette Hampton:           Hello everyone. I’m here with two of my favorite people on the planet. This is one of them. 

Lacey Hampton:            Hi, I’m Lacey. 

Yvette Hampton:           This is Lacey. What do you want to say? Welcome?

Lacey Hampton:            Yes. Welcome to the Homegrown Generation Family Expo. 

Yvette Hampton:           And who are we talking to right now? 

Lacey Hampton:            You’re talking to Ginger Hubbard. 

Yvette Hampton:           Yup. And, and you wanted to introduce her because she’s one of your favorite people too, right?

Lacey Hampton:            Yes

Yvette Hampton:           Lacey and Brooklyn. My girls absolutely love Ms. Ginger. If you guys don’t know Ginger, you are going to be so blessed by this session though. Most of you are probably on here because you already are familiar with Ginger and her amazing ministry to parents and specifically to moms. Well, I mean your ministry really is to parents, but I know you really have a heart for moms in particular. And so years ago when I, I think it was right after Brooklyn was born, so this would have been 14 years ago, somebody gave me a book called Don’t Make Me Count to Three. And, and I read that book and it was just the most amazing book and I, and I wasn’t even yet at the point where I needed it because she was still literally, she was just an infant. But I’ve read that book several times over and I could be more blessed by your ministry and so welcome Ginger to the Homegrown Generation Family Expo.

Ginger Hubbard:           Thank you Yvette and thank you Lacey for such a sweet – I think that was the best introduction I have ever had. It was by far my favorite. I love you and your whole family. And let me just say that a little Lacey there and her sister Brooklyn are fantastic cooks. They cooked dinner for me one night and it was so delicious and I’m just so thankful for you and your sister and just your whole family honey.

Yvette Hampton:           We were just having this conversation before we jumped on live about cooking and how I’m a terrible cook. I don’t like to cook. I want to enjoy cooking and I want to want to cook. But my girls, my, my nine year old is a better cook than I am. And my 14 year old is by far a better cook than I am. So one of these days I am going to learn how to cook. So for those watching, if you want to send me your good, easy, EASY, that is the key word. Easy, healthy recipes, please feel free to do that. And Ginger also said she would teach me how to cook, 

Ginger Hubbard:           But I’m not a healthy cook. I’m a Southern cook. That means bacon grease goes in everything. So I might not be the one to teach you to cook if you want healthy.

Yvette Hampton:           Well, I’m pretty certain bacon is healthy because God made bacon and nothing that smells like that could possibly be unhealthy, so…

Ginger Hubbard:           Right. And I’m just like that. I put bacon grease in everything, shy of cereal, because I am Southern and that is what Southern people do.

Yvette Hampton:           That is funny. Well, and we’re in the South now, so I apparently I need to learn to cook with bacon grease. That is what I’ve been missing all these years, Ginger, baking, grease. There you go. That’s all I needed to know. That’s the key ingredient. So Ginger, you are here to encourage us with some parenting help. You have been, like I said, such an encouragement to me. I mean for years and years. I stopped you for many, many years until I finally got to meet you in person several years ago. And and I think I told you at that time, I’ve been stalking you all this time and so, so excited to be able to just build a relationship with you because you really are a very real person. I think sometimes people think that the, the person behind the book, behind the pen is this perfect person who lives this perfect life.

Yvette Hampton:           This perfect parent, and you know, has the perfect family –  and you’re so transparent and so real about the things that God has done in your life and in the lives of your kids and how he has just worked in your heart and used the things that he’s taught you to be able to pass that on to moms and dads all over the world. So I am going to actually hand this session over to you and I’m going to let you bring some encouragement and then at the end we’re going to all jump back on and we’ll go through some questions. So if you’re watching and you’ve got questions, feel free to post them. Let me ask you, I’m to do something for us. Just write the word question before your, because that helps us to decipher which ones are questions and which ones are comments. So feel free to comment as well. But if you have a very specific question about parenting or family, feel free to just put question ahead of it and then I’ll pop on pop and at the end we will answer as many questions as we can get to. So thank you Tinder. Enjoy your time of encouragement.

Ginger Hubbard:           Thank you Yvette. I’m very excited about it because you know, one of my favorite things in the whole world to do is to encourage parents to reach the hearts of their children because there are just, there’s just so many parents today who focus only on that outward behavior of their children. They’ve developed this sort of philosophy that if they could get their children to act right, to behave, that they’re raising them the right way, but there is far more to parenting than getting our children to act right. We want to get them to think right and to be motivated out of a love of virtue, a love for God, a love of what’s right rather than that fear of punishment. And we do that by really learning how to reach past that outward behavior and learn to really draw out what is going on in the hearts of our children.

Ginger Hubbard:           So as we focus on the heart during this session, we’re going to see that the heart is the very foundation of the [inaudible] and other words, when our children sinfully express themselves, whether it be in the form of disobeying or talking back or selfishness, or throwing temper tantrums or taking swings at you or their siblings, we need to understand that they are drawing from what is in their hearts. Proverbs four three says, above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life. The heart is the well from which all of the responses to life gush forth the behavior. A person exhibits is really just an expression of the overflow of the heart. So to put it very simply, the heart determines behavior. So what’s the matter with the heart? Well, Romans three 23 says that it is sinful. It says for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Ginger Hubbard:           So in a sense is that as that verse is that we’re all sinful. We can be a little bit encouraged with that verse because according to the scripture, it would actually be unnatural if our children did not sin because after all they are sinners. Just like we are now as I go through this session with you guys, I’m going to encourage you with lots of biblical instruction and I’m going to also be giving you some examples from my own parenting as my children were growing up. And it could really ease cause I’m only gonna tell you the stuff I did, right? No, I’m just kidding. I want to say some stuff I did wrong too, but it could easily come across like that. I am a like a know it all or things that arbitrary that I did everything right and my kids always responded exactly as they should.

Ginger Hubbard:           And I just want to say a real quick upfront that nothing could be further from the truth. I remember many years ago when my kids were little my friend April, she asked me to keep her kids for her over a weekend. So that she and her husband could get away. And my first book that he, that was talking about a few minutes ago Don’t Make Me Count to Three. That book had been out in circulating for about a year. And so I, in our church I had sort of gotten this reputation as being the parenting expert. And I’m going to tell you I didn’t like that at all because first of all, I am not a parenting expert, nor have I ever been a parenting expert. And two, it sort of put me and my children in a fishbowl at church, which you know that that’s not always the best thing either.

Ginger Hubbard:           So anyway, I agreed to keep my friend April’s kids for the weekends and someone, one of our other friends found out that I was going to be keeping her kids and came up to April in church the weekend before and said, I heard that Ginger was going to be keeping your kids. And April said, yeah. And she said, well, you know, I would just be so embarrassed for Ginger to see how my kids act. And my friend April, she knows me very well and she knew my, knows my kids very well, and she said got embarrassed for her to say how my kids act because her kids act the same way and how right she is. I may teach on parenting principles from a biblical perspective, but let me tell you, I do not teach on my own authority or my own ability. I teach on the authority of God’s word.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so just I just want to say that you know, if you guys actually could have been here in my home, this is the home where my kids grew up. You guys were here in my home as my kids were growing up and watch some of my failures, you probably wouldn’t have tuned in for this session. So all that to say that all kids are sinners. That’s the simple truth. All kids are centers and they will manifest sinful behavior. Even children with agreeable dispositions will occasionally show their sinful hearts. And so the question is not will they sin? The question is, when they sin, what will you do about it? Will you ignore them? Will you scream at them? Will you just make excuses for their simple behaviors? Or will you take those moments and use them as precious opportunities to train them up in the way they should go?

Ginger Hubbard:           So that is what we’re after. The Bible teaches that behavior is not the basic issue. The basic issue is always what is going on in the heart. The heart is the control center of life. Now the thing that alerts us to our kids need for correction is behavior. But we don’t want to make the mistake that so many parents make by allowing our desire for change behavior to substitute our desire for a changed heart. Because after all, if we can reach the heart well that the behavior is going to take care of itself. But we need to keep in mind that it actually is possible to cause our children to change their irritating behavior to that which is acceptable to us. Without that heart change taking place. But teaching children to change their outward behavior only that really no more commendable than than teaching a seal to jump through a hoop, a change in behavior that does not STEM from a change in heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           That is not commendable. That’s actually condemned because it’s based on that same sort of hypocrisy that Jesus condemned in the farracies. Jesus said that they honored him with their lips that is outwardly, but that their hearts were far from him and Jesus labeled them as people who wash the outside of the cup while the inside was still unclean. When we focus on our children’s outward behavior only while neglecting what is on the inside, we’re also very shallow in our parenting and we can cause our children to become manipulators, to become manipulators because they, they can actually learn to please us by doing what we tell them to do, by jumping through that hoop out of a fear of punishment, but they will not learn the righteousness of Christ that way. As a matter of fact, if we only focus on the laws of outward behavior but fail to address the heart, we risk our children viewing Christianity in general as a rigid or stale or nitpicking religion that is made up of nothing but legalistic rules and as a result, they may never experience what it truly means to know Christ and his power to transform lives.

Ginger Hubbard:           That can happen if we only address the outward behavior and make it about those laws. We always want to get to the heart. Now having said that, of course God’s law in the Bible, it does require that we as parents that we require that proper behavior from our children obedience. But what I’m saying is that we cannot be satisfied just to lead the matter at outward obedience. We want to help our children understand that it is their strain hearts that has resulted in that wrong behavior and then that’s going to help them recognize their need for Christ. And so we help them understand this by by us as the parent learning how to draw out the issues of the heart. Proverbs 18 two speaks to the issue of those who only practice talking to rather than really seeking to understand by talking with. And that verse says, the fool does not delight in understanding but in airing his own opinion.

Ginger Hubbard:           And then in Proverbs 1813 we’re reminded that he who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame. So based on just these two verses alone, we understand that the finest art and communicating is not necessarily and learning how to express our thoughts and feelings, but in learning how to draw out the thoughts and feelings of another. Our objective and communicating is not just for our children to try to understand what we’re saying, but for us to understand what what’s in their heart and help them understand what’s going on in their own heart. Because when we cause our children to draw out what’s going on in their own hearts, we’re teaching them to evaluate their own motives. For example, let’s look at a problem that anyone that has more than one child is going to face. Tommy and Billy are playing together. When all of a sudden a fight breaks out over one particular toy, that’s a common scenario.

Ginger Hubbard:           Now the typical parent is going to arrive on the scene and this situation and express that well thought out parental wisdom by asking that age old tiresome question who had it first. And after going back and forth for several minutes, mom or dad finally determined that Billy did indeed have the toy first. So they kindly insist that Tommy give the toy back to Billy. Now the problem with this kind of response to a trip explains is that it misses the issue of the heart. You see who had it first. If you think about it, that’s more of an issue of justice. And the justice in this situation operates in the favor of the child who has the quicker draw and getting the toy to begin with. So if you look at the, at the at the terms of issues of the heart the issue at hand changes the issue is selfishness in both of the hearts of the kids, both children are displaying a hardness of heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           Toward the other. Both children are basically saying, I don’t care about your happiness. I’m only concerned about myself and I want this toy. I will have it regardless of what that means to you. And so in terms of issues of the heart, you have to, I’m sending children to children who are preferring themselves over the other all behavior. This is what you have to realize. All behavior is linked to a particular attitude of the heart. And in this situation, it is selfishness that is bound up in the heart. And it is, it is this sin that that outward behavior is drawing from. Now, I know you guys signed up for this online conference to get some answers, right? To get some encouragement but get some answers. And so some of you might be saying, so what do I do in this situation? How do I handle it?

Ginger Hubbard:           Well, I can tell you how I handled it in our home, but you know, I really can’t tell you that that’s the only way to handle it or even the best way to handle it. But just for practicality, I want to encourage you. And I’ll just to tell you how we handled it and our home. Now, like I said both children are being selfish by nature, but I really wanted a plan of action that I could use every single time my children had this struggle of sharing and I want it to be something that would be very simple for them to understand and to be able to put into practice on their own so that I was not always having to intervene. So I wanted something that would just be a practical way to address an issue of the heart, simplify the methods so that they could understand and promote peace.

Ginger Hubbard:           So this is what what we did in our home. We just came up with this rule that it is not only selfish, but it is also rude to take our even ask for something that someone else has until that person is obviously through with it. And let me just, let me just show you what this rule looked like in our home. Now before I do that, a Yvette and I talked at the beginning that I am from the South, I was born in the South, that was raised in the South. I’m 50 now and I’m still in the South. So I am obviously very Southern. And one thing that we do in the South is our kids say, ma’am and sir. Now I know that that’s not common all over the country. I actually learned that the hard way. I spoke at a conference, I think it was one of the first times I spoke out of the state of Alabama.

Ginger Hubbard:           I spoke in California of all places like polar opposites. There is as far as the, this kind of Southern terminology. And I was going through a scenario, I was at a conference, I was actually at Rick Warren’s church, huge church, all these California moms. And I started going through one of these scenarios and when I said that my kids responded with, yes ma’am. Oh my goodness. I mean I lost the whole audience. They, they were all looking at each other and shrugging and, and just whispering among themselves. And I thought, what, what in the world did I say? And so after the my session was over, I was back at my resource table in a group of moms came back and one of them said, can I ask you a question? And I said, sure. And she said, are you guys in the military?

Ginger Hubbard:           And I’m like, why would you think we’re the military? And she said, because your kids say yes ma’am. And yes sir. And that’s just so military. And so again, I learned the hard way that outside of Alabama ma’am and sir may not be as common as I would like to think, but it doesn’t matter. I met so many kids and California that were so respectful and sweethearted and they didn’t say, ma’am and sir. So it is not a requirement is not a biblical mandate that your kids say, ma’am and sir, but because I am Southern, when I go through these scenarios, it’s going to come very naturally out of my mouth. So don’t let that throw you off. All right. So this is how this rule look like in our home of the situation of siblings sharing. Let’s say that Wesley, my son has a toy and he’s playing with it.

Ginger Hubbard:           So Alex, my daughter, when she was younger, if she wanted the toy that Wesley was playing with, she would pretty much just do the younger kid thing and just try to snatch it away cause that’s what young kids do. And then as she got a little older, she got a little bit more clever with her tactics and she would very sweetly and very politely say, Wesley, may I please have that toy now? Well, whether she attempted that younger or older method of getting the toy, Wesley would be frustrated because he’s enjoying playing with it and he’s not ready to give it up. So whether she attempted the younger or the older method of getting the toy, I would usually respond with something very simple. Like, honey, Wesley has that toy right now. Do you think that he’s enjoying playing with it? Yes ma’am. Do you think it would make him happy or sad if you took it away?

Ginger Hubbard:           Sad. Well honey, do you think that it would be kind or rude for you to take something away that you know your brother is enjoying? Well, it would be rude mama. That’s right, honey and love is not rude. So when Wesley is through with it and puts it down, then you may ask for it. And you know, we’re not only training their hearts, but we’re also preparing them for adulthood. And if you think about it, this is just common sense. This is the same sort of behavior that we would expect from adult friends or adult siblings. Let’s just say that you and I are at a conference together and we’re sitting across from each other at this big round table and one of our friends comes in and hands me this whole stack of pictures that you’re really excited about seeing because we’re all in these pictures.

Ginger Hubbard:           We were at this event last weekend and they’ve got all these really fun pictures to look at. So you’re just dying to see these pictures, but you’re all the way across the table from me. So would you ask to take those pictures away from me when I had only just begun to enjoy flipping through and looking at them? Or would you wait until I was finished and then ask for them? Most of us would agree that, that it would be rude to ask for those pictures before I was finished in first Corinthians 13, five says love is not rude. So again, this is not the only way to handle sibling sharing. There’s probably better ways than that, but I just found that it was a just a really good opportunity for me to work on putting off being selfish and rude in the hearts of my children and putting on an attitude of love and kindness and thinking about others.

Ginger Hubbard:           And see those are issues of the heart that are addressed in God’s word. So however you want to handle situations, your first objective and correction must not be just to tell your child how you feel about what they’ve done or said, but to draw out the cause of the behavior. Can you sort of see how it worked in that scenario that I just gave you? Instead of just asking that tired old question of who had it first I attempted to draw out the attitudes, the motives of the heart by asking those heart related questions. Since the scripture says that it is out of the abundance of the heart that the mouth speaks, we must understand and we must cause our children to understand what is going on in their heart, what’s going on inside, not just the outward behavior. So all right, before we take a closer look at how we can really do this, and I’m going to be lots of practical examples of how you can actually do this, how you can really move past that outward behavior and really pull out what’s going on in the hearts of your kids.

Ginger Hubbard:           But before we do that, I do want us to look at just a few, a really common worldly methods that parents use today. They’re very popular in our world today and these are all attempts at getting our children to obey. But in my books Don’t Make Me Count to Three. And I Can’t Believe You Just Said That. I refer to these as deceptive philosophies because they, they really fail to reach the heart. They’re just outwardly focused. So one is bribing, might sound like, honey, if you obey mom in the store today, I’ll you some candy. I was in Walmart and this mom had her child with her, like he’s maybe, I don’t know, two and a half or three years old. And he started to walk off and she called him and said told him to come to her and he stubbornly refused to obey and he took off running and the other direction, and in desperation, this mom yells across Walmart, come to mommy and us soccer.

Ginger Hubbard:           And of course immediately the child goes from hearing impaired to exceptional hearing and comes quickly to mom’s side. But this is not training for obedience. This is really rewarding the child for stubbornness because giving them a reward in order to get them to obey, that actually encourages them and selfishness because their motive for obeying is, yeah, I’ll obey for what I can get out of it. And that’s a selfish reason. Children should be taught to obey because it’s right and because it pleases God not to get a reward. Another one is threatening. Now this one usually comes after you have repeated your instructions several times to no avail. And so you pull out the big guns. If you don’t start sharing your toys right now, I’m going to send them all off to kids who will share. But this teaches them that mommy doesn’t mean what she says.

Ginger Hubbard:           How many of our parents in an attempt to get us to appreciate our toys, talked about the kids on the other side of the world who don’t have any toys, but how many of our parents actually followed through with that threat, gathered up all of our toys, boxed up, taped up, and shipped all of them off to Timbuktu to follow through with that threat. Not many. That’s just not going to happen. We need to avoid saying things that we don’t mean. And you know, it’s so easy to fall into these traps. And you know, I mean I’ve read all the great parenting books and I even wrote a couple of parenting books, but I still found myself falling into these traps. So again, don’t think that I always had this thing right. It’s so easy to fall into these traps. I remember one time into putty in particular when I fell into this trap, the one of threatening my kids they’d finished up their school work for the day and they were supposed to spend the night with my parents that night and they, I’d been telling them after school about two o’clock.

Ginger Hubbard:           I’ve been telling them the whole afternoon, if you guys don’t hurry up and get these rooms cleaned up, you are not spending the night with Nana and Papa tonight. Okay. I knew good and well I wasn’t about to forfeit my not alone with no kids. In order to follow through with that threat. And Matthew five 37, it says simply let your yes be yes and your no be no. That means that we are to say what we mean and mean what we say or we will exasperate our children. It causes confusion when we throw out threats and we don’t follow through because they don’t know when you really mean it and when you don’t really mean it. And that can cause them to walk on eggshells all the time because they don’t know what to expect. And so we need to really try to follow through with our instructions and not not issue those threats.

Ginger Hubbard:           Proverbs 1528 says that we are to weigh our answers. That means again, we need to think before we speak. Try not to say yes or no to something. Try not to issue that warning or that command unless you’re willing to follow through with it or it really can cause some insecurities in the hearts of our kids. Another one is appealing to their emotions, another deceptive philosophy, appealing to their emotions. Now, I think a lot of times as moms that kind of comes in the form of, of trying to make them feel guilty, you know, sort of that after all I do for you, this is how you repay me. Well, thanks a lot, you know, kind of mentality, but that is not where we’re going to do this method of training. It really just manipulate the child’s behavior. And it also teaches them to be man pleasers.

Ginger Hubbard:           We want them to obey again because it’s right and because it pleases God. Not just so much pleasing man, but our motive is that they want to be God pleasers and we want them to do what’s right because it pleases him. So then they’re okay. Then there are those who didn’t get in the habit. This is actually my personal favorite. If I could have a favorite of deceptive philosophies of manipulating the child’s that were behavior instead of getting to the heart. And that, this is why I titled my first book, Don’t Make Me Count to Three because I saw this when so often you hear those parents that say, if you don’t do this, by the time I count to three, you’re going to get it. And then we watch them. They start counting. One

Speaker 5:        Child doesn’t move to child, still doesn’t move

Ginger Hubbard:           Two and a half and so it goes, children will rise to the standard that the parents set. If we don’t expect our children to obey until we count to three, they’re probably not going to obey until we start counting. Why not expect instant obedience? It is so much easier. It is so much less confusing and it is definitely biblical. It is definitely more peaceful. And you know what? If my small child is about to step off the curb into a busy street, I don’t want to have to count to three before he obeys training children to quickly obey. That really ought to be the standard. And so we need to be aware of things like repeating our instructions two or three times, threatening, bribing, raising our voices, giving them to the count of three because these sort of things, they draw us away from teaching our children to instantly and completely obey the way that really pleases God.

Ginger Hubbard:           All right, one more on that. Deceptive philosophies. Reasoning with small children. Now I’m not talking about as our kids get a little older and it’s okay to have a little, not arguing back and forth, but have some dialogue, a little bit more in depth conversations about things when it comes to obey, but I’m talking about reasoning with small children. Not a good idea. Mom asked her six year old, honey, don’t you want to come and eat lunch now? No thanks mom. I’m playing with my cars. Oh, but sweetie, your hot dog is going to get cold if you don’t come and eat it now. That’s okay, mom. I think I’d rather play with my cars. Well, honey, I thought, ah, if you would come on and eat right now, we might have time to go to the park after lunch. Okay, mom, I’ll be in there in just a minute.

Ginger Hubbard:           You see, instead of just simply telling her son what she expected and then requiring that obedience, mom is actually trying to talk her child into obeying, which rarely works. Reasoning with small children in an attempt to get them to obey. That causes confusion because it places that child in a position that they are not mature or responsible enough to handle. It erases that line of authority that God has placed between the parent and the child. And it brings the child up to a peer level with a parent. And that again, that can cause confusion because the child doesn’t know who is the child and who is the parent. And so we don’t want to do that. We parents also who try to reason with small children, they normally end up frustrated and a lot of times outwitted. And then a lot of times we wound up resorting to a bribe in order to get that response we’re after.

Ginger Hubbard:           So we need to clearly communicate who is the parent, who is the child, don’t place the child on a peer level there. And so we want to clearly instruct our children and expect that obedience. And again, that’s going to put security in the hearts of our kids. They’re there. They’re not mature enough to be on that peer level with us. So that could cause that confusion. All right. Again, these types of methods, they’re ineffective because they, they, they may manipulate the child’s behavior to some extent. I’ve seen that, but they fail to reach the heart. But they are very popular in the world today. I mean all around us. You see parents resorting to these deceptive philosophies which failed to reach the heart, popular worldly methods. But Colossians two eight tells us, see to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ.

Ginger Hubbard:           We live in an age that defies God at every point and it is getting worse and worse and worse. And it includes child training. The world tries to tell us how to train our kids. But the Bible says there is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to destruction. We do not want to follow the world’s philosophies, the world’s advice on raising our children. God has given us awesome, precious peace making instruction in his word. And so that is where we want to get our instruction. Because first Corinthians three 18 tells us that the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight. God, you know why? It’s because God is concerned with the issues of the heart. The world is not. The world is all about the pleasures of this world, the trappings of this world, the outward behavior.

Ginger Hubbard:           God is concerned with the issues of the heart. So God’s instructions for us in the Bible and training our children are all about the heart. So in order for you to understand and cause your children to understand what is going on in their heart, so you do have to develop your skills at probing the heart. You do have to learn how to get beyond behavior and words and really learn to help your children express what they’re thinking and what they’re failing and how to pull those issues out. And I’ll just go ahead and tell you that that really drawing out matters of the heart. It’s not always an easy task. Proverbs 25 says the purpose of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Now I’m going to go through several more practical scenarios during this session and it would, it would, it would easy be easy for some of you guys to become a little bit discouraged because you might think, you know, wow, I mean, you know, you know these scriptures that pertain to the different struggles that your kids were facing and you know, the right kind of heart probing questions to ask.

Ginger Hubbard:           And I wouldn’t know what kind of questions to ask to get to the heart of what’s going on with my kids. And I would know how to go to the scriptures that deal with the specific struggles that my kids are facing. And I just want to say don’t get discouraged because at the end of this session, we’re going to spend several minutes talking about this little resource called wise words for moms and that is going to be like your cheat sheet and you are so don’t be discouraged. Give me some time and at the end of this session, I promise you will love me because I’m going to put in your hands this tool that when, when you leave this session and if you get this tool, you will be a skilled heart. Prober just like that. It’s going to be so easy for you to know, right where to go in the word of God to deal with the different struggles that your children are facing.

Ginger Hubbard:           So don’t get discouraged with me. I’m going to give you that tool in the end and you guys will be happy then. All right? So just be excited because you’re going to be able to do this just as easily as I can. All right? So the Bible gives us many examples of where Jesus caused people to look at their own hearts because that’s what we want to do. We want to look at the heart in the scripture. If you think about it and all the stories throughout scripture, when someone did something wrong, Jesus didn’t point his finger in their face and say, this is what you did wrong and this is what you should’ve done instead. And that’s what we do. A lot of times his parents, Jesus didn’t do that. Jesus would start out with heart probing questions and in order for the people to answer those questions, they had to evaluate themselves because Jesus was a skilled hard prober.

Ginger Hubbard:           He knew how to ask those questions and such a way that the people would have to take their focus off of the circumstances and the situations going on around them and on to the motive of their own heart. And so that is what we want to do. Jesus knew how to do that and that’s what we want to know. That’s what we want to do is follow his example. And you know, if you think about it, I’m drawing out those issues of the heart by asking those heart-related questions and having kids figure out what’s going on in their heart. That would make sense because if you think about it just in practical things even even in our, in, in our times, we would all agree that when we, when we figure out something on our own, we are, we’re more likely to remember it than if someone else just figured it out for us and just gave us the answer.

Ginger Hubbard:           Just like in solving math problems, we all know that we learn more and understand more about a math problem if we take time to figure it out ourselves versus someone else doing all the figuring for us. And then just telling us the answer. If someone just gave us the answer to math problem a, they’re probably going to have to give us the answer to problem B as well. Because we’ve not learned anything on our own. We’ve not developed the skill to figure out these problems on our own. And because we lack that skill, we actually become dependent on someone else just telling us the answer. But if we are required to figure out the answer to math problem, a, we’re better equipped to figure out the answer to problem B. Likewise, when your child learns how to recognize what is going on in his own heart to figure out what’s going on in his own heart, he’s more likely to start demonstrating Godly responses own his own.

Ginger Hubbard:           And in doing this, he is growing in wisdom. But when you just always tell him what his problem is and what he ought to do about it, you’re hindering him from learning how to think like a Christian. And he could become handicapped in the area of discerning matters of his own heart. We have to train them to think like a Christian. So how do we do that? Especially with little kids? How do we train little kids to think like a Christian? Well, once again, we just follow that example that Jesus set. And we cause them to think by asking them very simple age appropriate questions to help them see that situation through God’s point of view. So we need to understand that in every conflict we need to begin our training by seeking to understand the nature of the internal conflict that was just merely expressed in that outward behavior.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so for probing the heart and teaching them to think like a Christian, these are the issues that you want to walk them through. What was the nature of the temptation? Was it anger, idolatry, envy? Was it selfish? Was it contentious? And then we want to ask how did he respond to the temptation? Did he respond in such a way that God was pleased? And if not, what was wrong with the way that he responded? And then this is key. What other ways could he have responded that would have been better? And, and that last one, what ways could they have responded? It would’ve been better. Very, very, very important part of training children in righteousness. You know, it is important that we rebuke our children when they’ve done something wrong. But man, it is equally important, if not more important that we walk them through what is right.

Ginger Hubbard:           We do want to teach our children what to put off. Certainly that’s the easy part though. But the most important part is that we teach them what to put on. Ephesians four 22 through 24 says, you were taught with regard to your formal way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by deceitful desires and to be made new in the attitude of your mind and to put on the new self created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. But again, that’s, that’s a lot to think about, isn’t it? And how do we apply this with children? Again, how do we do it with young children? Well, no matter what the situation is, work through what a biblical response would have been and then have the child follow through with it. I, I just cannot stress enough how, how vital this really is and training our children.

Ginger Hubbard:           First Corinthians 10 13 says that when, when we are tempted, God is faithful. He will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. But when we are attempted, he always provides us with a means of escape. He always gives us a way out. So parents, when we correct our children for wrong behavior, but we fail to walk them through right behavior, we will exasperate them because we’re not providing them with that means of escape. We’re not giving them that way out. And according to the word of God, that sort of neglect will provoke them to anger. And that is so not we want what we want to do. There will never, if you think about it, they’ll never be a situation that this, this doesn’t apply. So as a rule in parenting, anytime we correct our children for wrong behavior, we want to walk them through right behavior.

Ginger Hubbard:           This is how we train our children to walk in the righteousness of Christ. This is what the Bible means when it says to train them in righteousness. It’s never enough to train our kids and what not to do. We have to take it that step further and teach them what to do. So let’s look at another example. It how important it is that we train our kids in righteousness and that we really walk them through this life process. When my kids were little, they’re grown now, they’re, they’re 27 and 23. And they’re all home today. They’re probably down there doing stuff. And so I should’ve had them up and introduced them. God introduced you guys to them. I’m just precious, awesome kids. So I remember going through this space though when they were little. We went through a lot of phases, but this was one that really got under my skin.

Ginger Hubbard:           But it was when Wesley, my son he went through this phase and it just, it was a long phase and he was just all the time intentionally aggravating his younger sister Alex. And it just drove me up the wall. And one of his favorite things to do is what he affectionately referred to as the lion game. Now with the lion game. This involves Wesley getting down on all fours Groundling and snarling and drooling as he would charge after Alex through the house. Now, I don’t know why she wouldn’t like that, but she didn’t. He would always come up with just all of these games that he called them that were very irritating at her expense that I tell you, I just got it again. It was a long phase and I just got so frustrated with telling him over and over and over to stop aggravating her.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so it was just constantly all day this Wesley stop Wisley quit Wesley. Alex doesn’t like that. And his response was the same. Every time that Southern response, he would say, yes ma’am, but I’m just playing with her. And so this is what our home look like all day, every day from sunup until sundown. It was Wesley stop. Yes ma’am. But I, I’m just playing with her. Wesley quit. Yes ma’am. But I’m just playing with her. Wesley. Alex does it like that. Yes ma’am. But mom, all I’m doing is playing with her. And so it was just this never ending cycle. The problem was is that I wasn’t looking at it as a heart issue and he wasn’t looking at it as a heart issue. And the reason why the problem continued all day long but just manifested itself in different forms is because that outward behavior was the only thing being addressed.

Ginger Hubbard:           So he would obey, he would stop the behavior. I told him to stop, but he would just move on to something equally as irritating. And you see, I saw the common denominator of each behavior, but he, he lacked the skill to evaluate his own heart. Therefore really he couldn’t even discern the wrong in what he was doing. It was my fault. I had failed to reach his heart. I had failed to probe his heart. I had failed to draw out the sin that was causing him to constantly aggravate his sister. And again, you know, I became very frustrated with telling him over and over and over the answer, which was obviously to stop aggravating her, but that was the whole problem. I just kept giving him the answer and he didn’t know why that was the answer. I was giving him the answer without teaching him why that was the answer.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so if he would be able to understand his own heart and his own wrong motive, then he would actually be able to govern his own behavior rather than me always having to tell him to stop. So I finally realized that I finally knew, okay, this is not working. Dressing outward behavior is not working. I’ve got to work backward from the behavior to the heart. So every time that he would, he would start aggravating her. We would go through a, they were little. So we went through a very, very simple line of questioning and it would just go something like this. Wesley, judging from your laughter you seem to be having a great time grappling and chasing your sister through the house now, honey, are you as much fun as you look like you’re having, he thought about it a minute and said yes ma’am. Is Alex having as much fun as you are? Oh, well no ma’am. Tell me, Wes, what is Alex doing?

Speaker 6:        Yeah,

Ginger Hubbard:           Well she screaming and crying. Well, honey, are you delighting? And Alex is suffering because love does not delight in someone else’s suffering. And guys, I don’t remember if it took two weeks or two months of going through this same line of questioning before he finally got it. But Asher to remember the moment he finally got it, it was in the hallway just outside this door over here and he was doing the lion game. He was chasing her through the house and she’s screaming and crying. And all of a sudden I’ve went in there tired going to have to deal with it again, going to have to same, ask the same heart probing questions again. And before I intervened, before I said one word, all of this, you get to see it in his face. All of a sudden this light bulb went off and his brain connected with his heart finally, and he looked at his sister without me intervening and he said, Alex, will you forgive me for making you cry?

Ginger Hubbard:           It was absolutely precious, but now I’m not going to tell you that it never happened again because it did. But every time that it did happen, I would guide him by asking him those very simple, just two or three heart probing questions. And after doing that, over and over, all of a sudden I started reaping the fruit. It became more and more often that he would stop that behavior, own his own without me intervening dating. And it’s because he was able to draw from the personal knowledge that he had gained by evaluating his own heart. So finally he got it and then he would, he was governing his own behavior and working through that conflict with her without me intervening. So so the next thing I want to talk to you about is, is we do want to reach their heart. So like in this situation, once I had reached his heart, my next goal, this is a biggie, was to show how both of my children could resolve conflict biblically and without tattle tailing.

Ginger Hubbard:           Because Wesley was my aggravator. Alex was my tattletale. And so I wanted to teach both of them how to not aggravate, how to, not tattletale but instead how to resolve conflict the right way, how to resolve it biblically. And so one really, really effective way that I did this accomplish this goal was the through the use of role playing role playing is a great way to teach children, not just in this kind of situation, but how to resolve conflict of any kind once they learn how to resolve conflict the right way. You’re pretty much hands off parenting and a lot of ways if you really, really reap the fruits of this role playing is an extremely effective tool for training children. How to put what they’ve learned, put what you’re teaching them into practice. And when they put that knowledge gained practice, when they learn how to do that, that training is going to stick better.

Ginger Hubbard:           They’re going to start using it because it’s going to stick better when they learn how to use it in a hands on situation. So very effective. And, and just to show you how this works, let me just demonstrate how I use role playing. And I’m gonna use this scenario that I just gave you cause I know you guys want to do, have some time for some Q and a too. All right, so let’s go back to the lion game. You see, although Alex is the victim with a lion game she is, she was sinful and how she responded. And so let’s go back to the sane. Alex is being chased down the hall by the ferocious lion and she is screaming and crying as she leads that lion right to momma’s feet. And her voice is amplified as if at the other end of the house instead of right in front of her.

Ginger Hubbard:           And she says, Wesley’s being mean to me now, she has become what the Bible calls a tale bearer. Or as we say today, a more common term is a tattletale. And it seems that she would very much like to see her brother in serious trouble. And so once again, like Jesus, I want to start out with just some very simple heart probing questions. And so I might say something like Alex, honey. Did you ask your brother in private to stop chasing you? Did you try to work this out with your brother before you brought it to me? And she says, no ma’am. And I said, well sweetie cause I’m, I’m judging her reactions here and the look on her face and I’m saying I’m seeing something there. And so I say, well Alex, would you delight in seeing your brother get in trouble cause she looked like she might and then you can just tell yeah, she’s weighing those options and she’s leaning toward the yes.

Ginger Hubbard:           End of it. Yes. I wouldn’t mind seeing him getting in trouble and, and separate these consequences. And so then I would tell her or remind her, which I had to a lot because Alex really struggled with tattle tailing. So I would remind her of Proverbs 17 five and that verse says, he who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished. Now Alex has a little girl. Calamity is a huge word that I haven’t had to look up. And so I might word it in a way that, that she can better understand. I might say, honey, if you are delighting and getting Wesley in trouble, if you’re delighting and seeing him suffer by getting in trouble, then you will get in trouble because that’s not right in your heart. That’s not a right motive. For a sister who supposed to love her brother and so we just talked through that a little bit.

Ginger Hubbard:           Then here’s the walking through part. The role playing part that I’m, that I’m telling you is just so, so effective. Rather than telling both of my children what they should have done in this conflict and then just leaving it at that verbal instruction. I had both of them put this verbal training into practice and that hands on situation. And let me just show you how very, very simple. It did not take longer than 45 seconds to do this. I had both of them go back to the scene of the crime where the lion first began the attack and I put the words in their mouth. When they’re little, they don’t know how to communicate the right way. They’re not going to communicate with self control because they have a sin nature like we do. So they have to learn how to communicate the right way.

Ginger Hubbard:           So it’s okay when you’re teaching them to actually put the words in their mouth to teach, to model for them what a good communication, self-controlled communication looks like. So I take them back to the scene of the crime and I actually put the words and Alex’s mouth. I said, Alex, tell Wesley, please stop chasing me and growling at me. And she looked at her brother and she said, please stop chasing me and growling at me. And I said, Wesley, tell your sister, okay. And he said, okay, that’s it. Probably 30 seconds. It is that simple. But by having them go back and do it the right way, I’m training them and what is right rather than just rebuking them for what is wrong, I’m giving them that means of escape. I’m providing that way out. I’m teaching them to put off corrupt and deceitful desires and to put on the righteousness and the holiness of God.

Ginger Hubbard:           Now, this may seem like a lot of information for you guys but it’s really very, very simple. It’s not, I’ll be the first one to say it is not always easy to be consistent in implementing these principles, but it really, really is a very simple concept. As a matter of fact, everything that I have just said in the past, a what, 50 minutes here. I can actually break down into one phrase and you’re probably thinking one, I want it. You just break it down into one price to start with. And we’re going to move right into the Q. And. A. That’s what I’m waiting for. But that wouldn’t be as much fun because I like to talk. So, but we will get to that Q and a in just a second. But here’s that one phrase. This pretty much sums up everything that I’ve been talking about in the last 50 minutes.

Ginger Hubbard:           What we want to do is we want to pull out what is in the child’s heart so that we can work through how to replace what is wrong with what is right. And then we want to have them put it into practice. That’s it. Pull out what’s in their heart, work through how they can replace what is wrong with what is right. And then roleplay had them put it into practice and you know that you may have to give them some time. Sometimes if they’re mad or angry or upset, you may have to give them a little cooling off period, come back when it’s a time of non-conflict and then role play. Different kids respond different ways. So you just kind of have to assess, you know, if they need some time or if they can move right into that, that phase. And we need to remember moms that this is a process.

Ginger Hubbard:           The days that our children really struggle with some of these same issues over and over, we can become very weary as parents. Like I told you guys with the with the aggravating thing, I became very weary and training them and that over and over and over like we can with whatever the issue is that our kids are struggling with. But we can be encouraged with Galatians six, nine and that verse says, let us not become weary in doing good for at the proper time. We will reap a harvest if we do not give up. My kids are grown now, but that was my life verse for parenting. Galatians six, nine. Now if what I’ve talked about today is a new concept for you and you’re not experienced in training your children in accordance with the scriptures, then this probably has been somewhat overwhelming to you because you might be thinking, you know, again, I wouldn’t have a clue as to how to go about asking the right kind of heart probing questions that would really get to the heart issue of that outward behavior.

Ginger Hubbard:           And I’m really not sure where to go in the scriptures to find out which scriptures deal with the specific struggles that my kids are facing. And I, you know, I’m, I’m tired. I’m homeschooling. I have a whole tribe of kids. I don’t, I don’t have time to figure all of this out. I want to, I’ve got the desire but, but I, I just don’t know that I have time to figure all these things out. Well, good news. I have developed a wise words for mom’s chart to give you a boost and what I’ve done here is I have broken all of these behaviors down that kids struggle with is everything that I could think of. I’m into alphabetical order and like disobeying lying, tattling, whining, all the issues that I could think of that they deal with, they struggle with. And I have given you this three step plan basically that we’ve covered in this session.

Ginger Hubbard:           Step one is hard probing questions. I offer two to three suggested heart probing questions. This is going to help you get past the hour behavior and get to the heart. Certainly not the only questions you can ask, but sometimes when we’re busy is just, just tell me what to ask. We just need some answers. And so I’ve thought through that for you. And then step two is what to put off. That is what God’s word says about that particular behavior and what it can lead to if it’s continued and then step three, that most important part, what to put on, how to replace what is wrong with what is right. All of them are, everything in the chart is in accordance with the scripture. Really. I shouldn’t even take credit, my name should not even be on this chart because I shouldn’t take credit for it.

Ginger Hubbard:           It’s not anything that I’ve written. I basically just sat down and looked up the scriptures and I did the homework for you. A lot of moms I’ve heard refer to it as their cheat sheet because that’s all I’ve done is just the homework. I’ve just saved you a little bit of time and so when my kids were little, I had my little chart hanging in my kitchen and on the fridge and I used it as a quick reference flip chart. When my sweet little angels grew horns and I was at a loss for words and I don’t know about you guys, but I was really guilty of a lot of times if I was in the heat of the moment you know, maybe I’m busy cooking or maybe I’m on the phone with someone or maybe I’m even emotional or upset about something. And those kind of moments I would find myself not relying on God’s words and God’s wisdom, but my own.

Ginger Hubbard:           And that never got us very far with anyone. That was never a good thing, a good outcome. And so when I had this little chart just right at my fingertips, it just helped me so much to stay more consistent because I already had it thought out and I could just go to it. And then when I laid my head down at night, I knew that I had given it my all to reach the hearts of my kid and to feed them the word of God, which does not return void. So I’m just gonna run through maybe a couple of examples and then we’ll do, we’ll take some time to do Q and a, but just so you can see how this works, how easy I’ve made it for you. Let’s do disobeying, I’m assuming that most of you guys your kids struggle with disobeying.

Ginger Hubbard:           I’m usually pretty safe with that one. And so let’s say, okay, remember the mom and Walmart that talked about, she told her kids to come and he took off running in the other direction. So just ask whatever the disobedience is. Just ask a very simple question when they’re little, especially just ask something like, you know, sweetie, are you a bang or are you disobeying? Just asking that simple question helps them to take ownership for what’s going on in their heart that’s going to help them recognize once they recognize the sin in their heart that helps them recognize their need for Christ. So that’s step one to realizing that they need Jesus in their lives just like we do. And then you might want to say something like, how did you disobey? And I know some of you might be thinking, well, you don’t know my kid.

Ginger Hubbard:           He would just clam up and not answer. Well, don’t get into a power struggle. If he doesn’t answer, just answer for him. Just say, well sweetie, I told you to come to me and you didn’t. And that is disobeying. And then you might ask, how does God want you to obey? How do you put off what is wrong? How do you put on what is right? How does God want you to obey? And one thing that I taught my kids at a very young age that I read about in several different parenting books is I could hold up three fingers and I could say, how does God want you to obey? And I taught my kids to say all the way right away and with a happy heart. And that pretty much covers complete obedience. And so kids can learn that at a very, very young age.

Ginger Hubbard:           Okay. So then step two. So step one is those heart probing questions. Step two is what to put off? What are they to put off disobedience? So you might say what it says in the chart is, sweetie, when you disobeyed me, you’re disobeying God and it will not go well with you. And one thing I always told my kids before I administered any sort of discipline with sweetie, I love you too much to allow you to disobey. And that shows them that it is love that motivates us to discipline and instruct our kids. So they’re to put off disobedience. And then step three there to put on obedience. And so I just simply tell them about Colossus three 20. I say the Bible says children obey your parents and everything because this is right. So here you’ve got this plan for dealing with these different behaviors.

Ginger Hubbard:           And let’s do maybe two more quick ones and then we’ll move to the Q. And. A. All right, let’s do, I know tattling is a really, really big issue. And you know, Alex, my daughter, I told you that she struggled with tiling. I remember one time in particular we have a Creek behind our house and there they knew that they were not supposed to play in that Creek unless I was out there with them. And so Alex, I remember I was in the kitchen and Alex comes running the kitchen one afternoon when they were little and she says, mom, you said that we’re not allowed to be down there in the Creek. And Wesley’s down there catching tadpoles in it. Now Alex is my very theatrical child. She actually majored in collagen theater. She’s an actress. And so finally, all this drama is paid.

Ginger Hubbard:           She’s actually getting paid for all the drama now. It’s amazing. And so, but you could always tell because she has always been such the actress, you could always tell exactly what Alex was thinking just by the look on her face and her body language. And so she comes in, she tattles on West and I can totally tell that she’s thinking she didn’t say it, but she’s thinking, so what are you going to do about it? And can I watch now? And relying on my own wisdom say that I’m in the heat of the moment. I would pop off with something like, well, okay, just go tell Wesley to come here and I’ll deal with it. But in doing that, I have failed to reach her heart. I have failed to teach her what God’s word says about tattling and what’s going on in her heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           So I could go to my chart if I’m in the heat of the moment and have my pre-thought out questions there. And so some heart probing questions like that might be something like, honey, could it be that you are delighting and getting your brother in trouble? And another question might be rather than tattling, what could you have done to spur him on toward what’s right? And then what are they to put off there to put off tail bearing? So I might say, sweetie, if you’re trying to get West and trouble, then you will get in trouble because you’re not supposed to delight in getting your brother in trouble. That’s not right in your heart. And there’s this verse again, probably 17 five this, this translation says, whoever gloats over disaster will not go and punished. If you’re delighting and someone else’s suffering, then that is not a right motive in your heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           And then what are they to put off? Tail, tail bearing? Where do they put on encouragement? And Hebrews 10 24 it says spur one another on toward love and good deeds. So Alex, what could you have said to spur Wesley on to encourage him in what’s right? And now I do have a note on tattling. A special little note on this chart. This is obviously children should talk. They taught to come directly to mom or dad if another child is endangering himself endangering someone else or destroying property. But you know, God gives you, as the parent that sense of discernment. You can totally tell the difference and the child that is coming to you out of genuine concern for the other versus someone who’s coming because they’re really getting this sick, twisted kick out of seeing their sibling get in trouble. God gives you that sense of discernment.

Ginger Hubbard:           All right, let’s do one more and then I’m going to have the vet come back on here and we’re going to do some Q and a time. Okay. So let’s do aggravating. Let’s say that you’ve got two brothers headphones are hurting my ears. If you’ve got two brothers and the younger brother has built this house out of blocks and the older brother is moving the blocks around causing the younger brother to scream and cry. Now there’s not much heart training. If you yell something like stop aggravating your brother or you’re going to get it, there’s much more heart oriented God inspired encouragement. When we ask them heart probing questions and you can word it however you want to in my chart worded in accordance with how you talk in your home and the, and age appropriate needs to be a consideration too.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so but in my chart I have, are you purposing in your heart to promote peace or are you stirring up trouble again, they’re thinking about it then what am I doing? Am I promoting peace or am I stirring up trouble? And again, if they don’t answer, answer for them. Don’t get in the power struggle. And then you might, another question, heart probing question might be, how can you show love and pursue peace in this situation? Have them come up with something if they can’t, again, avoid the power struggle, suggest something for them. And then what are they to put off there to put off strife according to the scriptures? Proverbs six 19 tells us that one of the seven things that God hates is one who stirs up trouble with his brothers. Wow, that’s a powerful verse for aggravating and stirring up strife among siblings.

Ginger Hubbard:           One of the seven things, God hates the one who stirs up trouble with his brother. So that’s a really good verse for what to put off there. And then what to put on where to put on peacemaking. Proverbs 1220 says, God gives joy to those who promote peace and talk about that joy. You know, when you, when you see your kids do something right, don’t just use the scriptures to correct them when they’re wrong. When you see them choosing to do something right. Encourage them and you know, think about it when I know this is the case with my kids and I’ve seen it with many others, but a lot of times when kids do something good on their own, the first thing they want to do is they want to come tell you about it because they have so much joy in their heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           Recognize that, talk about it and say, sweetie, you know that joy that I see bubbling up in your heart and overflowing right now? God put that joy in your heart because you just chose to do something that honored and pleased ham. And when we honor in please our Lord, that’s that bubbling up joy that he puts in our heart. It doesn’t, isn’t that so much better than than that a sick, twisted kick you got out of getting your truck, bro, brother in trouble last week. And so talk about the difference, the difference even in the heart affirmation that we feel at times when we choose to disobey and the yuckiness that puts in our heart versus the time that we choose to obey sometimes even when it’s difficult to obey. And it’s the hard choice to make when we obey. God always puts joy in the hearts of those who obey and seek to please him.

Ginger Hubbard:           So help your kids recognize that joy when they’re choosing to do the right thing. That way we’ve got some balance. And so again, that’s just one product that that could really help you. These things are only $5 and so best investment you’ll ever make. It just really helped me to stay consistent and I hope it’ll encourage you to do the same. All right. Evet where are you my friend? Let’s do some Q. And. A. Hi. Hello. That was awesome. I can listen to you all day long. Encourage me in my parenting because every single time I’ve heard you speak so many times and every time you just bring so much conviction, but it’s an encouraging conviction of, Oh, that’s right. There’s that reminder that I’m supposed to be, you know, using the practice principle and even with my teenager, I mean there just are so many nuggets of wisdom in there and I am so thankful for you.

Ginger Hubbard:           So let’s try to get to some questions cause we’ve got lots of ’em so if we can, maybe we have about 10 ish minutes, 10 15 minutes. We’ll get to as many as we can. Thank you guys for putting your questions through. The first one says, how do you address, this is a great question. How do you address attitude problems when it comes to Bible memorization or reading? I often feel guilty whether I’m making Bible time boring. And that’s a fantastic question. A very good question because let me tell you, I really, because I homeschooled, one thing that we did is we tried to do well and we did for the most part we did a, I made Bible part of their school. That was one of the lesson things that we did. And so we would sit down and have a devotional.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so when I incorporated it into school it was, it wasn’t an issue because just like, you know, we did math and we learned English and grammar and those things. We also them, we always started out with our quiet time. And let me just say a few things about that. When they’re little and you want to have that devotional time with them, a structured kind of devotional time don’t make it too long when they’re little because they have very short attention spans and so kinda gauge the amount of time that works for them. And, and, and don’t try to do too much. Now I’ll say this, when mine were little, we tried to do family devotions and I know that works so well for a lot of people. It did not work in our home. And so having this structured sit down Bible tone, I’m not discouraging people that do that because a lot of people do it and it’s fantastic and they’re grown.

Ginger Hubbard:           Kids today say how much it meant to them. And so that’s great. But for us, we found that talking about scripture and, and, and praying throughout the day as things came up in the context of the moment was more effective with our kids. So it wasn’t so much during the homeschool years, we, we did have our Bible study, but as far as having those family devotionals, we pretty much had them on and off all day long. As certain situations came up, we would talk about, you know, what does the scripture say about this? Let’s pray about this. And I found that that was a little bit more effective as far as memorizing scripture. I love that she asked that. It’s, I’ve, I had the hardest time memorizing scripture. And my kids did too. And so what we did is we had scripture songs and it used to be called the NIV kids called.

Ginger Hubbard:           They don’t have that anymore. But I actually have a friend that has some CDs called word for word scripture CDs. And it is singing the word of God. And my kids can tell you. And even me, when we were running errands in the car, we learned so much scripture because we would play those scripture songs. And when you think about it, when you listen to a song, you only have to listen to a song that you like that’s catchy, that has a really cool tune. Maybe three times before you’ve got the words, same thing you put scripture to music and it really, really helps you to hide God’s word in your heart. And so I found that that is how I taught my kids to memorize scripture is through song. And so the word for word scripture CDs, his name is Ty rumble. You could Google him.

Ginger Hubbard:           And then there’s probably a lot more out there. Just Google scripture CDs and make sure it’s once that it’s not just singing about the word of God, but it’s actually quoting scripture so that they’re putting direct scripture quotes into their hearts. But probably, I’ve always had people say to me, how do you know all this scripture off the top of your head? These kids’ songs are playing in my head that, that I listened to with my kids. And so that was how my children and and I learned how, how to memorize a lot of scripture was through song, very, very effective. And it was fun. That’s more fun than just having to sit down and just say it over and over and over. When you’re singing it, it sticks. And it’s fun. Yes, music absolutely did. That’s how we learned the fruit of the spirit is the fruit of the spirit song.

Ginger Hubbard:           And it’s, many of you have heard it. I know if you haven’t just Google it or look on YouTube, but it’s the fruit of the spirits, not a coconut. And it’s this funny song and then he goes, but fruit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. Yeah. Anyway, it’s just such a good song. And you, you get that in your head. And so I taught that to my girls and now, you know, if I ask him what’s the fruit of the spirit, they can and you just don’t forget it when you sing it. You don’t forget it. Same with the books of the Bible. We learned the books of the Bible, Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, numbers, Deuteronomy and Joshua. Judges, I can’t sing. So, but that’s how we learned it. And you just stuck all these years. I’m 50 and I still remember write songs that we played in the car.

Ginger Hubbard:           Yes. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Here’s another question. Says if I’ve been doing these things how can I, I’m sorry if I’ve been doing these things, how can I correct it and start expecting obedience now? I think she means if I haven’t been doing these things right. Okay. Yeah. My kids are eight and almost seven. Okay. Okay. That is a great question. So she’s listened to the session. I just thought, Oh my goodness, I’ve counted to three or I’ve repeated my instructions or threatened. Well, we’ve all done that to some to some extent. So don’t be discouraged that you’ve done that. I, myself, like I said, I read a lot of parenting books and wrote a couple of them and still found myself blowing it sometimes. And so I would recommend it if you’ve heard some things today that you’re really wanting to change and is to sit down with your kids.

Ginger Hubbard:           And even me knowing the right thing to do, I would find myself in ruts sometimes of not being consistent with this sort of training. And so you could do the same thing that I did. You could just sit down with your kids and say you know what? I, I’ve, I’ve been re beginning to understand some things in the word of God and I’ve realized that I have not been training you the way that I should. You know, as your parent, it’s my responsibility to train you in wisdom, but I have been allowing you to behave foolishly. And so I, I, it’s my responsibility to teach you to obey, but I’ve been allowing you to disobey and that is my fault. And will you please forgive me for that? And then just talk about the, the new standard. Talk about what obedience is. It’s all the way right away and with a happy heart.

Ginger Hubbard:           Talk about some of the things that your child’s been getting away with his specific struggles. And then just talk about the new standard as to what obedience really looks like and, and that you’re going to now require that. And while it’s been allowed in the past, it’s not going to be allowed anymore. So start out by asking for forgiveness. And you know, again, I had to do that a lot of times with my kids. And even after, even when I knew better, sometimes I would blow it with my kids and I might speak harshly to them. And I found that in those moments those were some of the most precious teaching opportunities when I would be willing to humble myself and go and ask for their forgiveness. So, you know, the way that I just spoke to you, it did not honor you and it did not honor God.

Ginger Hubbard:           And will you forgive me and let me try that again. And then we just start over. Tomorrow is a new day. God’s mercies are new every morning. And so even after you go and you do that, you still may blow it. Sometimes, but humble yourself and be willing to ask for your child’s forgiveness. That’s what we want them to do. When they blow it in mess up. We want them to have a humble heart and to repent and to make things right. So when we sin against our children, don’t view it as this hopeless tragedy that you’ve just completely messed up. Take even those opportunities and let them see what the working of the Holy spirit looks like. It your heart, the conviction of the Holy spirit and what it means to humble ourselves and ask her forgiveness and then move on. And it’s a fresh day, a clean slate.

Ginger Hubbard:           And so model that for them. And those will be good teaching moments for your kids. Yes. I love that. Have you seen like arrows the movie that was put up my family life? I want to say maybe a year and a half ago, year, a year and a half ago. It’s a fantastic movie. I highly recommend it. It was actually directed by a homeschool dad named Kevin peoples. He and his wife wrote it together and, and it’s produced by family life today. And it’s very much about that. It’s a story about this family who, you know, they, they had just kind of blown it on the whole parenting thing and then the Lord just kind of rescued them from that. And then it shows the transition of their family and it’s a fantastic movie. So I would, yeah, I would definitely recommend that you learn family life. So, and one more little side note on that is also, you know, she said her kids were, what, seven and something in eight, almost seven and eight.

Ginger Hubbard:           Yeah. Let me just say this, that even if, even if you’re listening to this and your kids are teenagers, it is never too late. Just a 32nd testimony here. My parents did not come to know Christ until I was 18 years old. I was completely rebellious especially when they came to know the Lord because I didn’t want any part of it. And so but my parents just they started out by asking forgiveness that they had left God out of training me and and I forgave them, but I sure didn’t like the new rules that they were putting on me as a teenager. And so I completely rebelled, but my parents remained faithful to pray for me, to love me to just keep telling testimony of what God was doing in their hearts and how he was working in their lives.

Ginger Hubbard:           And God’s word does not return void. Sometimes it takes longer than we might think, but I was about as rebellious as they get. So my parents did not start implementing biblical principles. I’d never even stepped foot inside of a church before I was 18 years old. I knew nothing of God, nothing of the Bible, completely rebellious. And and God changed my heart at 18, so it is never too late, never too late. Amazing. okay, one more. I think we may be able to be the last one, but you’re going to be back for the panel this yes, this afternoon. So you may be able to answer some more during that time as well. This is, I tend to get loud and angry with my children after I’ve asked a few times to obey because I demand obedience. We do believe in spanking, but I feel like if I spank for every disobedient act, I’d be thinking all the time.

Ginger Hubbard:           I’d be with four kids. She has four kids. What other methods would you recommend? Well, one thing it said that she, after she’s told him numerous times that she becomes angry. That’s one reason that we don’t want to repeat our instructions over and over that we do. We want to teach our kids, especially when it comes to obeying that they need to obey. The first time we ask, we shouldn’t have to count to three, we shouldn’t have to bribe, threaten, repaid our instructions because that frustrates our kids. And then we start getting elevated because they’re not obeying. So I would say first start out with teaching your children what obedience is. When I say to do this, you need to say yes mom. And that was one way I encouraged my kids to obey. If I thought that they, you cannot have it, see when they might be about to disobey.

Ginger Hubbard:           And sometimes I would say, you know, you need to go pick your toys up. Yes ma’am. And that encouraged them to say yes ma’am or yes, mom, if you don’t say, ma’am, yes mom, that encourages obedience. In other words, you have a choice here. You can either say yes mom and you’re obeying. Or if you do something else, you’re disobeying. So before they even did so Bay, you might even say, okay, before you answer here you have a choice. You can either obey and the, and it’s going to go well with you, which is biblical. Or if you choose to disobey, then you’re choosing a consequence. So whatever consequence you want to come up with in your home, husband and wife need to be in agreement on it, whether it’s spanking or some other form of consequence. That’s fine. Different things work for different kids.

Ginger Hubbard:           I’m spanking is definitely not effective as kids get older and I discouraged parents are in spanking as kids get older. More other consequences are going to be more appropriate and even more effective. So just come up with what consequence works for you and your husband and, and explain that ahead of time. If you say that your child is really struggling in one area go ahead and talk about what that consequence will be with your child and then follow through. Because if you don’t, that gives your child a mixed signal. But if you do follow through, then really you’re cha the ball is in their court. They are getting to decide to decide when there will be consequences and when they will not. Because you have clearly stated the standard, what’s expected and then it’s their choice. Am I going to obey and things go well or am I going to disobey?

Ginger Hubbard:           And then there’s this sheer consequence. But if you don’t follow through with that consequence, it will mean nothing. So you have to be, consistency is important. She said what other consequences? You know, I think different things are effective for different kids. It’s all about their personality. What works for some may not work with others. I know my son try to use natural logical consequences when you can. I know West, my son for a while was struggling with leaving his boss sickle out in the yard. He was supposed to bring it into the garage after he would ride his bike and he kept leaving it out in the yard. And so we were threatening repeating and not doing anything about it. And so finally we decided, okay, we sat him down and we said there will be a consequence if you, if you put your bike up, you have the freedom to ride your bike tomorrow.

Ginger Hubbard:           If you do not put your bike up, then you lose the freedom to ride it the next day. And so same thing. My kids struggled with getting their work done in schools. Sometimes they would procrastinate. It was just taking way too long. So I saw you class over at one of yours. No, your kids are so perfect. But anyway, so they were really struggling with that. And so I actually had a timer in the in the school room where that we don’t have it just wherever they were doing the schoolwork. And I would give a very reasonable, more than enough time allowed here to get your math work done. But if you don’t finish it by the time that timer goes off, which was more than enough time then because you were not responsible to do your work in a timely manner, then tonight you lose the freedom to watch your favorite show or to play your favorite video game.

Ginger Hubbard:           So come up with things that are effective and don’t overdo your consequences. You know, you have these parents say, okay, well now you can’t watch shows for, for, for two years. You know, I mean, don’t overdo it. You can’t ride your bike for a month. You know, that’s a little overkill. And so I always did like one thing to one thing. You didn’t finish your schoolwork in a timely manner. You don’t get the freedom to watch your shows tonight. You didn’t put your bike in the garage today. So you lose that freedom to ride your bike tomorrow. So just come up with some things and think about them ahead of time so that you’re not trying to come up with them in the heat of the moment. Go ahead and have a plan. Look at the things. That’s what this wise words chart was all about. This started with struggles that my kids faced. And so in a time of non-conflict I thought through how, what’s the best way to handle this? And then I showed it to him. I would, I would send them to go get the chart. Sometimes they would go get the chart and use it on me. And so but so, you know, come up with a plan, discuss that plan with your kid and then follow through with it. That’s the, that’s the important thing.

Yvette Hampton:           Yes. And that wise words for moms is such a godsend. Literally the Lord used you in an amazing way to put that together because we, we’ve used it many, many times and it’s one of those things that, you know, every household, every parent needs to have a Bible, which is the most important tool. And then why is words for moms,

Ginger Hubbard:           Which is basically just the word of God kind of organized into behaviors.

Yvette Hampton:           Exactly, exactly. So it’s fantastic. I wish we could give one to every single person watching this, but you guys go to Ginger’s website and learn more. We have to close out this session, but like I said, we’ve got a round table discussion this afternoon. Aby’s going to be hosting that one again, which will be so much fun and it’s gonna be Ginger yourself. It’s going to be Durenda Wilson who’s coming on in a little bit. Israel Wayne, and Scott LaPierre. And so all, all of you are just amazing, Godly parents who have so much wisdom to share with us. So make sure you join us for that. It’s at 6:00 PM Eastern time, 3:00 PM Pacific, and wherever else, you are in the midst of those time zones. So we will try to answer. I’m so sorry we couldn’t get to all your questions.

Yvette Hampton:           But I will see if we can copy some of these questions over for the panel and we’ll try to get to them at that point. So, and if you can’t make the panel, you can always come back and watch it again another time. So Ginger, thank you. I’m GingerHubbard.com correct. Is your website. That’s it. Okay. And you can find all things Ginger Hubbard there. Find out about her books. Don’t Make Me Count to Three. Why these words for moms? And I Can’t Believe You Just Said That every every parent should have one copy of each of those in their home. So thanks Ginger. We love you and we will see you back here in just a few hours already. That. Thank you. Bye.